Shakespearean Parrot Sketch
So, here's my first draft after last nights rough cut. I changed the
final lengthy death quote a bit to use actual Shakespearean death quotes
(with the word 'parrot' inserted.) I think I'm close. Any suggestions?
(I'll be doing this with high-school students, so "want to come 'round
to my place?" though hilarious, is not likely.)
>Mr. Premise enters, walks to the counter, carrying caged bird. Mr. Secondary-Premise has his back to the counter. Mr. Premise raps on the counter
Mr. Premise: Prithee, good lady.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Beg pardon? What dost thou mean "good lady?"
Mr. Premise: My sorrows, I doth ail. At good hence, I doth arrive to enquire after this parrot, of which I have made purchase not an hour past the clock, from this menagerie of beasts.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Ah, yes! Good sir! The periwinkle parrot of Norway! Remarkable bird! Plumage of unsurpassed beauty! Pray, sir, what doth be "a-fowl?" >Winks and grins at the audience, knowing this pun is horrible
Mr. Premise: What doth be "a-fowl?" I shall TELL thee what ISN’T a fowl! This FOWL! 'Tis DEAD! And death doth bedevil it!
Mr. Secondary-Premise: >shocked Nay! It cannot be! Mayhap it doth slumber?
Mr. Premise: Thou profess it doth slumber? Then, forsooth! The bird, I shall awaken! >shouts into cage GOOD DAY, SIR POLLY!
Mr. Secondary-Premise: >knocks the cage Alarum! The beast hast awakened! M'lud, note its movement!
Mr. Premise: Fie! Still, it remains, save that thou hast struck yon bars. >removes bird from cage, shouts in its ear< AWAKEN, POLLY! ARISE AND AROUSE! IF A ROOSTER I BE, THEN MY CRY I GIVE TO YOU! COCK A DOODLE DOO!
>thumps bird's head on counter, thrice. Tosses it in air, it lands on the floor
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Oh, no, good sir. It is obvious to one with keen wit and good eye that the beast is stupefied!
Mr. Premise: Stupefied?!
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Verily! Thou has stunned the capon, ere it has awakened to greet the day! They are much renowned, Parrots of Norway, for being easily taken to torpor. Remarkable Avian, Plumage of unsurpassed beauty!
Mr. Premise: The PLUMAGE doth not enter INTO it! ...regard, sir, regard. This debate has gone past the end of my wit. This parrot is unaccustomed to life, and--as I have made purchase upon this hour--thou hast made assurance that the bird was merely asleep, perchance to dream.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Ay, there's the rub.
Mr. Premise: What dreams may come of sleep, whence thou dids’t suggest the exhaustion of a prolonged squawk?
Mr. Secondary-Premise: >struggling for another lie Ah...er...um...may it happen, good sir, that thy fowl is ...pining for the fjords?
Mr. Premise: PINING FOR THE FJORDS?!?!?! Nay, good sir! I didst take upon myself the examination of the animal. Upon so doing, the discovery was made that the sole reason being for its stride in its mew were the nails thrust betwixt its feet!
Mr. Secondary-Premise: >mock offended< Zounds! Know, sir, that had I not nailed yon parrot to his perch, the bars would be riven, and "Voom!"
Mr. Premise: "Voom?" Sirrah, strike this beast with lightning, and "voom" should be unlikely. He hath met his demise!
Mr. Secondary-Premise: He hath NOT recanted his life unto Death. Nay, he doth PINE, sir!
Mr. Premise: HE DOTH NOT PINE! He hath passed! To be or not to be? There is no question! He is NOT! O proud death! What feast is toward in thine eternal cell, that thou so many parrots at a shot, so feathery an end hast struck? Ay, but to die, and fly we know not where; to lie in cold obstruction and to rot. Nothing in his parroty life became him like the leaving it.
The bucket has been knocked afoul! The daisies are pushed from below, and the bird sings with the choirs of the Lord!
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything...
>ceasure
This is a dead parrot.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: A replacement, then, seems in order.
Mr. Premise: Thou hast, at final end, spoken truth.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: >regards his shelves< It seems we suffer a scarcity of parrots. Sufficeth a slug?
Mr. Premise: Prithee, does it talk?
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Indeed.
Mr. Premise: Well, then, make it so. >to audience Know, good people, that if you desire recompense in this country, it is a necessity to bemoan until thy face doth blue.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: ‘Tis a fair assessment
Mr. Premise: …And, don’t talk to the audience
>Mr. Premise enters, walks to the counter, carrying caged bird. Mr. Secondary-Premise has his back to the counter. Mr. Premise raps on the counter
Mr. Premise: Prithee, good lady.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Beg pardon? What dost thou mean "good lady?"
Mr. Premise: My sorrows, I doth ail. At good hence, I doth arrive to enquire after this parrot, of which I have made purchase not an hour past the clock, from this menagerie of beasts.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Ah, yes! Good sir! The periwinkle parrot of Norway! Remarkable bird! Plumage of unsurpassed beauty! Pray, sir, what doth be "a-fowl?" >Winks and grins at the audience, knowing this pun is horrible
Mr. Premise: What doth be "a-fowl?" I shall TELL thee what ISN’T a fowl! This FOWL! 'Tis DEAD! And death doth bedevil it!
Mr. Secondary-Premise: >shocked Nay! It cannot be! Mayhap it doth slumber?
Mr. Premise: Thou profess it doth slumber? Then, forsooth! The bird, I shall awaken! >shouts into cage GOOD DAY, SIR POLLY!
Mr. Secondary-Premise: >knocks the cage Alarum! The beast hast awakened! M'lud, note its movement!
Mr. Premise: Fie! Still, it remains, save that thou hast struck yon bars. >removes bird from cage, shouts in its ear< AWAKEN, POLLY! ARISE AND AROUSE! IF A ROOSTER I BE, THEN MY CRY I GIVE TO YOU! COCK A DOODLE DOO!
>thumps bird's head on counter, thrice. Tosses it in air, it lands on the floor
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Oh, no, good sir. It is obvious to one with keen wit and good eye that the beast is stupefied!
Mr. Premise: Stupefied?!
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Verily! Thou has stunned the capon, ere it has awakened to greet the day! They are much renowned, Parrots of Norway, for being easily taken to torpor. Remarkable Avian, Plumage of unsurpassed beauty!
Mr. Premise: The PLUMAGE doth not enter INTO it! ...regard, sir, regard. This debate has gone past the end of my wit. This parrot is unaccustomed to life, and--as I have made purchase upon this hour--thou hast made assurance that the bird was merely asleep, perchance to dream.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Ay, there's the rub.
Mr. Premise: What dreams may come of sleep, whence thou dids’t suggest the exhaustion of a prolonged squawk?
Mr. Secondary-Premise: >struggling for another lie Ah...er...um...may it happen, good sir, that thy fowl is ...pining for the fjords?
Mr. Premise: PINING FOR THE FJORDS?!?!?! Nay, good sir! I didst take upon myself the examination of the animal. Upon so doing, the discovery was made that the sole reason being for its stride in its mew were the nails thrust betwixt its feet!
Mr. Secondary-Premise: >mock offended< Zounds! Know, sir, that had I not nailed yon parrot to his perch, the bars would be riven, and "Voom!"
Mr. Premise: "Voom?" Sirrah, strike this beast with lightning, and "voom" should be unlikely. He hath met his demise!
Mr. Secondary-Premise: He hath NOT recanted his life unto Death. Nay, he doth PINE, sir!
Mr. Premise: HE DOTH NOT PINE! He hath passed! To be or not to be? There is no question! He is NOT! O proud death! What feast is toward in thine eternal cell, that thou so many parrots at a shot, so feathery an end hast struck? Ay, but to die, and fly we know not where; to lie in cold obstruction and to rot. Nothing in his parroty life became him like the leaving it.
The bucket has been knocked afoul! The daisies are pushed from below, and the bird sings with the choirs of the Lord!
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything...
>ceasure
This is a dead parrot.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: A replacement, then, seems in order.
Mr. Premise: Thou hast, at final end, spoken truth.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: >regards his shelves< It seems we suffer a scarcity of parrots. Sufficeth a slug?
Mr. Premise: Prithee, does it talk?
Mr. Secondary-Premise: Indeed.
Mr. Premise: Well, then, make it so. >to audience Know, good people, that if you desire recompense in this country, it is a necessity to bemoan until thy face doth blue.
Mr. Secondary-Premise: ‘Tis a fair assessment
Mr. Premise: …And, don’t talk to the audience
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